Monday, October 10, 2011

The Big 3-Oh

I woke up this morning the big three-oh. Yeah, I know... But we are really as only old as we feel, and I don't feel thirty.

At the onset of 2011 I chose one word as a new years resolution instead of a list of things I would never actually accomplish.

The word:

FEARLESS

The object was for this word to become an extension of who I wanted to be. I chose it not because I am a cowardly lion, but because I often find myself disabled by fear.

As New Years drew closer I started to fully grasp the meaning of the word and understand how exactly fear had crippled my life in the past. This was the perfect word for me, I knew.

I am the kind of person who writes but never submits. Fear prevents me from reaching out to others. It stops me dead in my tracks and I have panic attacks over the idea of making a phone call to someone in a customer service position. I know that's ridiculous - I will never ever meet this person who is answering my call in the Philippines. But I am completely unable to rationalize that to myself in the moment.

And so. I welcomed 2011 with the idea of being FEARLESS in the forefront of my mind.

It has now been ten months and I thought I would reflect on whether or not this worked for me (since I have been suggesting it to people and all).

Long story short:

I found my biological father, reunited with my semi-estranged family, and even invited people over to my house to be social. I have figured out what I want to do 'when I grow up' and have left my bat cave to chase that dream.

All this without worrying what other people are going to say.

If you ask my friends - who can testify that there are times when I am extremely callous and they feel like slapping me - I am not hiding behind a mask and pretending to be someone I am not. I say what I want to say, even it is not the most appropriate thing and makes me seem like a cold and heartless person. That is just me - and the me I know and love is still learning certain social skills. (I still keep a lot of thoughts to myself. I don't randomly walk around calling people idiots or anything like that. I just mean that sometimes my opinion is not the popular one.)

There are still a few months left before we ring in 2012. I already know that my resolution will be a word rather than a list.

Right now I smell the birthday cake that is baking. I am unsure if the candles will set off the fire alarm or not - probably not, I will just remove the battery ;)

Live with joy!

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