I have been preoccupied as of late, and when your mother calls you to inform you that you are well overdue for blog posting, you know you're in trouble. I felt like a teacher calling me out for not doing my homework, trying to spin together an excuse better than "my dog ate my blog post".
My dog has eaten many things, but the blog post isn't one of them.
Truth is, I have a dozen posts written, but I don't know what I can and can't post.
It's not because I am afraid I will offend my readership. It's because I'm caught up in a court action where some of what I have written and discussed as an auther with the complaining party has been entered into court record as fact.
For anyone who has read my book, you will know that this does not paint me in the best light. Even M, the Kiwi I spent 10 days with on a portage trip in Algonquin Park over the summer, has told me that my book is not the best look.
So I am nervous. What if I write the wrong thing? What if I think the wrong way? Is my blog going to be entered into court as fact as well? It has me worried to the point that I will draft a post, then allow it to collect dust with the other recent posts. I don't want to make things worse.
For a few weeks I stopped writing altogether. Sounds silly, right? But I had to print off all my works in progress so I could justify certain things that have come up in a 72 page long affidavit that I find to be highly critical. Does that mean that anything that I have written since then is also going to be scrutinized? Does that mean that if my characters say something my motive will be called into question?
So many questions, and I still can't get any answers.
I am the kind of person who finds it hard to articulate a point unless I have gone over it two or a dozen times in my head first. I need to be able to write things down and revise them until I feel more confident in my response. I feel as though my fate has been stripped out of my control and handed off to a lawyer whom I know nothing about. This is scary stuff.
Today I decided that I would say something - anything - on my blog. To hell with what it says to anybody else. It's my blog, it's my book, and those are my characters living in my head. I feel strangely liberated, even while I debate the stupidity of pushing the post button.
If my world doesn't implode overnight, maybe tomorrow I will start dusting off some drafts and posting those as well.
If you don't hear from me for another month, then you will be able to find me collecting shards of my life and trying to reassemble them with super glue.
Until then, you can find me on Twitter or Facebook